Harold Crick

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were Harold Crick, and everyone that was involved in my life owned the movie "Stranger Than Fiction." And what if I was fully aware that I was Harold Crick and that all my friends, family, and even random acquaintances owned the wide screen DVD version of my life. All my words and thoughts narrated in Dolby-Digital surround sound for all to hear. Every action displayed in Hi-Def on a 52" plasma screen. My successes. My failures. My weaknesses. My relationships. My sins. All of it public knowledge. All available for your viewing pleasure. Or viewing horror. Pause. Rewind. Mute. Stop. Eject. It is all there. View and judge from the comfort of your black leather lazy boy. No detail too big or too small to leave out. ALL of me for better or worse.

I am guessing that my life would not be nearly as entertaining or as inspiring as Harold's. I am also confident that it would not become a box office hit. It would probably end up in the $0.99 bin in the back of the K-Mart electronics department. But that is only if it did not get banned for being completely inappropriate and extremely odd. Harold's oddities and shortcomings were endearing. Mine? Not so much. His awkward and unusual thoughts and habits incited in the audience laughter and a hope that he would change/succeed. I doubt people would have that reaction when they heard my thoughts or viewed my habits. Roger Ebert would dish out plenty of criticism, I am sure.

Knowing that my whole life was on display, I wonder if I would live differently? Correction. Let me rephrase that. I wonder HOW I would live my life differently. I say "how," and not "if," because I know that I am different when I am around people. Not that I have two totally different personalities, like Jekyll and Hyde, I am just different. I mean, how many of us actually say or do in public all that we say or do in the privacy of our homes? I think that disconnect of who I truly am and who I show can be a hindrance to a healthy lifestyle. Although, I am sure there are things that probably should stay private. Seriously, no one else really needs to know how many times a week I have to shave my back hair.

If I truly were Harold Crick, living my life on Hi-Def display, I would have no other option but to be myself. No glitz. No glamour. Intensely vulnerable. The real me. It would be impossible to be anything more or anything less. I could try. . . but that would be nothing short of ridiculous seeing that everyone could look directly through whatever front I put up. I can see it now - Pause. Rewind. Watch the hypocrisy in slow motion. I would be completely exposed. No masks. Nothing to hide behind. I would be fully seen for who I am.

As scary as this whole idea is (if you are like me, this is that "I wet my pants" kind of scary), I think it would actually be a good thing. No, really. I mean it. More and more I am becoming aware that my greatest desire is to be fully known for who I am - and loved anyway. I know I am not perfect. Not even close. It is probably because I am not perfect that I have this need to be validated by something or someone outside of myself. To be known, faults and all, and yet accepted. Not the acceptance that feigns ignorance of my faults, for that implies arrogance and transcendence. I desire to be accepted in spite of my faults. To be loved just for who I am.

To be truly known and loved. To be validated. Valued. The majority of my daily decisions are based off of whether or not someone is going to validate me. I then derive my worth, or lack thereof, based upon that validation. Imagining a world where I have that constant validation and worth poured in to me is almost beyond my realm of comprehension. In that world I would have total freedom. Freedom to experiment. To risk. To fail. To succeed. To love. To simply be me. A world in which I can be myself. That is the world for which I long.

I guess that brings me to somewhat of a paradox. My greatest desire is to be fully known and loved; my greatest fear is that I will not be loved if I am fully known.

My only hope and chance for resolution comes in believing that there is One Who knows me. Truly knows me. One Who can guide me by the hand to that world of freedom.

The only One Who can... already has.

"We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." - John the Apostle

I have much to learn about how to be loved. Loved by God. Loved by people. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to get to know and love God. To know and love people. It is hard to get to know people who are not real. It is hard to be real. I am exhausted from constantly being who I am not. Sick of seeing fake in myself and in others. I want change. I want authenticity. I want real. I will do my best to be real. Honest. Authentic. To be vulnerable. I am going to fail, but I am going to try. I am ready to stop hiding. Ready to be me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Then maybe, just maybe, in my efforts to be real, I will inspire someone else to do the same.

In the end, when all is said and done, it may just work out. It did for Harold Crick.

God Breathe

God breathe
Let Your breath overtake me
Let Your love awake me
From this sleep

God breathe
Let Your grace fill within
Let my soul breath You in
In so deep

The Great Cover Up

I have a tendency to hide things. To cover over those things that I am not really all that fond of people finding out. But who isn't, right? Why would I want everyone to know all of my idiocracies? Do I really want people knowing that I was afraid of the dark well past when it was fashionable for my age? Or that I cheated to pass that one penmanship test back in third grade?

Ok. Maybe those did not actually happen. But seriously, I cover up a ridiculous amount. I keep most of my thoughts well hidden. If people knew how cruel or immoral or insane some of my thoughts were they would never talk to me. I often hide the way I feel. Hiding the way I feel will then obviously force me to hide certain actions that would result from those feelings. I try to cover up my weaknesses. My mistakes. My grudges. My inadequacies. Basically, I put on a face that is acceptable. Not even so much as acceptable, but more so a face that I think everyone will see as acceptable. I think the word for that is hypocrite?

But what if there is something I cover up even more? What if what I truly hide the most is NOT my inadequacies, but the God that lives within me?

I believe that God resides within me. If that is so, why does He not show up more in my life? If I were not hiding God, would I still be hiding my weaknesses? Or would not hiding God enable me to be more real? Actually, if God was being seen through my life, I do not think it would be possible to be anything but transparent. To be real. To be fully human. So if being fully human means not hiding God, why do I do it?

Why is it that I always seem to do what I do not want to do and do not want to do what I do?

God is within me and He is dying (has died) for me to let Him out.

Then why? Why the mistakes? Why the failures? Why the disconnect between the me God wants and the me that I mostly show? I realize that I am in desperate need of God's grace and forgiveness. Well, His grace and forgiveness are there already and I am just in desperate need of accepting it. What is His grace if not applied to my life? What is forgiveness if not accepted? What is His love if I am not willing to be entangled in it?

I want to be graced. I am. To be forgiven. I am. To be loved. I am. Knowing that, I desire to see the God within me be uncovered. To be let out. He is dying to be let out.

God Plays the Saxophone w/ His Eyes Closed

""I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theatre in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." - Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

"We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." I John 4.19 The Message


Anyone that has spent much time with me knows that I am ridiculously hard on myself. After every mistake I become like the child who sits in the corner hitting himself in the head, saying, "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." I cannot even begin to describe the guilt I feel after the times I fail. At least, I think it is guilt. It might just be embarrassment because I abhor looking like the idiot. Maybe it is the shame and disappointment I feel from letting people down. Whatever the feeling is, it is strong. It happens often. It sometimes happens as a result of the dumbest things that I am not even convinced are actually failures. Sometimes it is a justifiable feeling. Whether justifiable or not, I just know that it can hit me so hard that it feels as if John Cena has just laid the smackdown right on my head. It is painful. It is oppressive.

I really cannot put my finger on what causes me to react this way. My parents are definitely NOT the reason. Although they are "old school," they never once put that pressure on me to be perfect and they never treated me differently when I made a mistake. Maybe it was the ultra-conservative, fundamentalist, bible-totin' church I attended for so many years. Ah, or it could be the devil (or more likely, one of his many underlings, because I do not think I warrant the attention of the head "bad dude.") and one his dirty tricks. It might simply be my fallen personality. Actually, I will just blame it on tv and today's culture. That is always a good place to shift the blame (please read a hint of sarcasm into that last one - thank you). But, no matter what the source, it is an all too real issue that I deal with almost every time I feel that I have failed.

Oddly enough, when I see other people fail, I am normally pretty easy on them. Not always, but mostly. I see their problem and I want to help with the solution. I see them in pain and I want to comfort and do what I can to see them through it. I do not label them by the issue/sin/problem with which they are struggling. I see them berating themselves and I long for them to see themselves as God sees them. To love themselves as God loves them. They have worth. They have value. Failure is allowed. Mistakes are expected. Undulation is just the way that life was meant to be lived.

So why can I not do this for myself? Why do I not allow myself the freedom to make mistakes and to fail?

"The church, by and large, has had a poor record of encouraging freedom. She has spent so much time inculcating (to cause or influence (someone) to accept and idea or feeling) in us the fear of making mistakes, that she has made us like ill-taught piano students; we play our songs, but we never really hear them because our main concern is not to make music but to avoid some flub that will get us in dutch." - Robert Capon

I am playing the piano. Music is being made.

But I often do not hear much of that music myself. Although literally a musician, I may just be tone deaf when it comes to spiritual music. I am afraid to make a mistake. Afraid I will disappoint someone. Afraid I will look stupid. I speak words of forgiveness, but will not accept them. Offer understanding to others, but not myself. I am so concerned with what I am supposed to be doing that I have not even realized what has been done to me. So concerned with how to love people (and if I actually AM loving people) that I have not taken notice of how I have been loved. Loved by people. Loved by God. In spite of my mistakes I am loved. Right in the midst of my failing, in the very act, I catch God speaking words of forgiveness and grace.

I think I just made a connection.

Knowing myself like I do and being as hard on myself as I am, I am well aware that when I offer help, or love, or forgiveness to others that that ability does not come from me alone. On my own I would not have thought to offer such grace. But if I did not think of it, then where did it come from? Where did I learn this? Where have I seen it demonstrated?

There is no one that I know who needs more grace than I do. I know my thoughts. I know my actions. I know my heart. I am a man in desperate need of grace, love, and forgiveness. So where have I seen this love demonstrated? Every time I am reminded of God I see it. Every time the noise of my life quiets just a little, I hear the music. Sometimes His music is so loud that I hear it above the noise of my life. But whether I hear it or not, it is there. It is always there. He loved me. He loves me. He will continue to love me.

He loved me first. Now I can love myself. He has forgiven me. Now I can forgive me. He not only allows me to make mistakes, He expects me too! Now I can expect myself to make mistakes.

I have seen God playing the saxophone with His eyes closed. I have watched Him love me time and time again. He has shown me the way.

I guess that means I should start trying to love myself.

"And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10.27 The Amplified Bible

Me? Really, Nellie?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." - Nelson Mandela

I can't quite begin to describe how this quote by Mandela makes me feel. At first read I feel excited and inspired that maybe, just maybe, I DO have something to offer. Is he talking about me? Could I really be afraid of my abilities and not my inadequacies? Do I really have that power beyond measure within me? Am I fabulous? Gorgeous? Does the ability to be the next Mother Teresa, C.S. Lewis, Rob Bell, or Sandy Good (my mom) rest within my reach? Can I actually follow in the footsteps of Jesus? Make a difference in this world?

It doesn't take long, however, for me to begin feeling guilty. To feel as though my desire to be that something brilliant or talented is a prideful feeling. I mean, I'm just a screwed-up and screwed-over 28 yr old who hasn't been able to stay in one place for more than a year since leaving high school. A one time member of the millitant fundamentalists, then baptists, followed by a stint in the non-denominational and the united church of Christ realm, and now a who-knows-what-the-hell kind of 'religion' member. A doubter. A cynic. A Pittsburgh Pirates fan (they haven't been on the right side of anything in about 15 years!). A hypocrite. A wanderer. And at times just a big pain-in-the-ass jerk who is not even close to mimicking the life of Christ. Me? Really? I have great abilities and capabilities? I am supposed to expect great things to happen in MY life? Seriously, who am I to think that highly of myself?

Wait a minute...

Doesn't that place me right back at being the person Mandela is talking about?

Well crap. Where does that leave me? How am I supposed to respond to that? Actually... maybe that leaves me right where I need to be.

David Crowder says that "When man's depravity meets w/ God's divinity it is a beautiful collision." I think I understand and am VERY well acquainted with my depravity. At times too well acquainted. It is in those moments, though, that I have an even better vantage point to see how gargantuan God's divinity actually is. How huge His love is. God's desire for me to have a relationship with Him is there smacking me in the back of the head even when I don't notice it. I can be pretty stupid and oblivious sometimes. In fact, I normally don't notice Him, and that is why my focus is always on what "I" can't do.

What if my focus was on God. I know, "Duh!", right? But seriously, what if it was? What if I spent my time noticing how much God loves me and wants me to love Him? What if I focused on what God has the ability to do through me? Who is it that He created me to be? Who can I love? Where can I serve? What can I do? C. S. Lewis says that we should stop bothering whether or not we "love" our neighbor, and instead we should follow the advice of the good old Nike slogan ('just do it.' is the slogan, in case anyone reading this is too young to remember that).

When I think about it that way, maybe I do have the capacity for greatness within me. God does live within me and He is pretty powerful and stuff, right?

So I guessed I'm left realizing that...

maybe I am fabulous

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words, words; to be led out to battle against other words..." - CS Lewis in Till We Have Faces

pretty much sums it up right about now. i have SO many questions and absolutely no clear answers. help me Lord to see Your face.