God Plays the Saxophone w/ His Eyes Closed

""I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theatre in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." - Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

"We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." I John 4.19 The Message


Anyone that has spent much time with me knows that I am ridiculously hard on myself. After every mistake I become like the child who sits in the corner hitting himself in the head, saying, "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." I cannot even begin to describe the guilt I feel after the times I fail. At least, I think it is guilt. It might just be embarrassment because I abhor looking like the idiot. Maybe it is the shame and disappointment I feel from letting people down. Whatever the feeling is, it is strong. It happens often. It sometimes happens as a result of the dumbest things that I am not even convinced are actually failures. Sometimes it is a justifiable feeling. Whether justifiable or not, I just know that it can hit me so hard that it feels as if John Cena has just laid the smackdown right on my head. It is painful. It is oppressive.

I really cannot put my finger on what causes me to react this way. My parents are definitely NOT the reason. Although they are "old school," they never once put that pressure on me to be perfect and they never treated me differently when I made a mistake. Maybe it was the ultra-conservative, fundamentalist, bible-totin' church I attended for so many years. Ah, or it could be the devil (or more likely, one of his many underlings, because I do not think I warrant the attention of the head "bad dude.") and one his dirty tricks. It might simply be my fallen personality. Actually, I will just blame it on tv and today's culture. That is always a good place to shift the blame (please read a hint of sarcasm into that last one - thank you). But, no matter what the source, it is an all too real issue that I deal with almost every time I feel that I have failed.

Oddly enough, when I see other people fail, I am normally pretty easy on them. Not always, but mostly. I see their problem and I want to help with the solution. I see them in pain and I want to comfort and do what I can to see them through it. I do not label them by the issue/sin/problem with which they are struggling. I see them berating themselves and I long for them to see themselves as God sees them. To love themselves as God loves them. They have worth. They have value. Failure is allowed. Mistakes are expected. Undulation is just the way that life was meant to be lived.

So why can I not do this for myself? Why do I not allow myself the freedom to make mistakes and to fail?

"The church, by and large, has had a poor record of encouraging freedom. She has spent so much time inculcating (to cause or influence (someone) to accept and idea or feeling) in us the fear of making mistakes, that she has made us like ill-taught piano students; we play our songs, but we never really hear them because our main concern is not to make music but to avoid some flub that will get us in dutch." - Robert Capon

I am playing the piano. Music is being made.

But I often do not hear much of that music myself. Although literally a musician, I may just be tone deaf when it comes to spiritual music. I am afraid to make a mistake. Afraid I will disappoint someone. Afraid I will look stupid. I speak words of forgiveness, but will not accept them. Offer understanding to others, but not myself. I am so concerned with what I am supposed to be doing that I have not even realized what has been done to me. So concerned with how to love people (and if I actually AM loving people) that I have not taken notice of how I have been loved. Loved by people. Loved by God. In spite of my mistakes I am loved. Right in the midst of my failing, in the very act, I catch God speaking words of forgiveness and grace.

I think I just made a connection.

Knowing myself like I do and being as hard on myself as I am, I am well aware that when I offer help, or love, or forgiveness to others that that ability does not come from me alone. On my own I would not have thought to offer such grace. But if I did not think of it, then where did it come from? Where did I learn this? Where have I seen it demonstrated?

There is no one that I know who needs more grace than I do. I know my thoughts. I know my actions. I know my heart. I am a man in desperate need of grace, love, and forgiveness. So where have I seen this love demonstrated? Every time I am reminded of God I see it. Every time the noise of my life quiets just a little, I hear the music. Sometimes His music is so loud that I hear it above the noise of my life. But whether I hear it or not, it is there. It is always there. He loved me. He loves me. He will continue to love me.

He loved me first. Now I can love myself. He has forgiven me. Now I can forgive me. He not only allows me to make mistakes, He expects me too! Now I can expect myself to make mistakes.

I have seen God playing the saxophone with His eyes closed. I have watched Him love me time and time again. He has shown me the way.

I guess that means I should start trying to love myself.

"And he replied, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10.27 The Amplified Bible