Me? Really, Nellie?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." - Nelson Mandela

I can't quite begin to describe how this quote by Mandela makes me feel. At first read I feel excited and inspired that maybe, just maybe, I DO have something to offer. Is he talking about me? Could I really be afraid of my abilities and not my inadequacies? Do I really have that power beyond measure within me? Am I fabulous? Gorgeous? Does the ability to be the next Mother Teresa, C.S. Lewis, Rob Bell, or Sandy Good (my mom) rest within my reach? Can I actually follow in the footsteps of Jesus? Make a difference in this world?

It doesn't take long, however, for me to begin feeling guilty. To feel as though my desire to be that something brilliant or talented is a prideful feeling. I mean, I'm just a screwed-up and screwed-over 28 yr old who hasn't been able to stay in one place for more than a year since leaving high school. A one time member of the millitant fundamentalists, then baptists, followed by a stint in the non-denominational and the united church of Christ realm, and now a who-knows-what-the-hell kind of 'religion' member. A doubter. A cynic. A Pittsburgh Pirates fan (they haven't been on the right side of anything in about 15 years!). A hypocrite. A wanderer. And at times just a big pain-in-the-ass jerk who is not even close to mimicking the life of Christ. Me? Really? I have great abilities and capabilities? I am supposed to expect great things to happen in MY life? Seriously, who am I to think that highly of myself?

Wait a minute...

Doesn't that place me right back at being the person Mandela is talking about?

Well crap. Where does that leave me? How am I supposed to respond to that? Actually... maybe that leaves me right where I need to be.

David Crowder says that "When man's depravity meets w/ God's divinity it is a beautiful collision." I think I understand and am VERY well acquainted with my depravity. At times too well acquainted. It is in those moments, though, that I have an even better vantage point to see how gargantuan God's divinity actually is. How huge His love is. God's desire for me to have a relationship with Him is there smacking me in the back of the head even when I don't notice it. I can be pretty stupid and oblivious sometimes. In fact, I normally don't notice Him, and that is why my focus is always on what "I" can't do.

What if my focus was on God. I know, "Duh!", right? But seriously, what if it was? What if I spent my time noticing how much God loves me and wants me to love Him? What if I focused on what God has the ability to do through me? Who is it that He created me to be? Who can I love? Where can I serve? What can I do? C. S. Lewis says that we should stop bothering whether or not we "love" our neighbor, and instead we should follow the advice of the good old Nike slogan ('just do it.' is the slogan, in case anyone reading this is too young to remember that).

When I think about it that way, maybe I do have the capacity for greatness within me. God does live within me and He is pretty powerful and stuff, right?

So I guessed I'm left realizing that...

maybe I am fabulous