Harold Crick

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were Harold Crick, and everyone that was involved in my life owned the movie "Stranger Than Fiction." And what if I was fully aware that I was Harold Crick and that all my friends, family, and even random acquaintances owned the wide screen DVD version of my life. All my words and thoughts narrated in Dolby-Digital surround sound for all to hear. Every action displayed in Hi-Def on a 52" plasma screen. My successes. My failures. My weaknesses. My relationships. My sins. All of it public knowledge. All available for your viewing pleasure. Or viewing horror. Pause. Rewind. Mute. Stop. Eject. It is all there. View and judge from the comfort of your black leather lazy boy. No detail too big or too small to leave out. ALL of me for better or worse.

I am guessing that my life would not be nearly as entertaining or as inspiring as Harold's. I am also confident that it would not become a box office hit. It would probably end up in the $0.99 bin in the back of the K-Mart electronics department. But that is only if it did not get banned for being completely inappropriate and extremely odd. Harold's oddities and shortcomings were endearing. Mine? Not so much. His awkward and unusual thoughts and habits incited in the audience laughter and a hope that he would change/succeed. I doubt people would have that reaction when they heard my thoughts or viewed my habits. Roger Ebert would dish out plenty of criticism, I am sure.

Knowing that my whole life was on display, I wonder if I would live differently? Correction. Let me rephrase that. I wonder HOW I would live my life differently. I say "how," and not "if," because I know that I am different when I am around people. Not that I have two totally different personalities, like Jekyll and Hyde, I am just different. I mean, how many of us actually say or do in public all that we say or do in the privacy of our homes? I think that disconnect of who I truly am and who I show can be a hindrance to a healthy lifestyle. Although, I am sure there are things that probably should stay private. Seriously, no one else really needs to know how many times a week I have to shave my back hair.

If I truly were Harold Crick, living my life on Hi-Def display, I would have no other option but to be myself. No glitz. No glamour. Intensely vulnerable. The real me. It would be impossible to be anything more or anything less. I could try. . . but that would be nothing short of ridiculous seeing that everyone could look directly through whatever front I put up. I can see it now - Pause. Rewind. Watch the hypocrisy in slow motion. I would be completely exposed. No masks. Nothing to hide behind. I would be fully seen for who I am.

As scary as this whole idea is (if you are like me, this is that "I wet my pants" kind of scary), I think it would actually be a good thing. No, really. I mean it. More and more I am becoming aware that my greatest desire is to be fully known for who I am - and loved anyway. I know I am not perfect. Not even close. It is probably because I am not perfect that I have this need to be validated by something or someone outside of myself. To be known, faults and all, and yet accepted. Not the acceptance that feigns ignorance of my faults, for that implies arrogance and transcendence. I desire to be accepted in spite of my faults. To be loved just for who I am.

To be truly known and loved. To be validated. Valued. The majority of my daily decisions are based off of whether or not someone is going to validate me. I then derive my worth, or lack thereof, based upon that validation. Imagining a world where I have that constant validation and worth poured in to me is almost beyond my realm of comprehension. In that world I would have total freedom. Freedom to experiment. To risk. To fail. To succeed. To love. To simply be me. A world in which I can be myself. That is the world for which I long.

I guess that brings me to somewhat of a paradox. My greatest desire is to be fully known and loved; my greatest fear is that I will not be loved if I am fully known.

My only hope and chance for resolution comes in believing that there is One Who knows me. Truly knows me. One Who can guide me by the hand to that world of freedom.

The only One Who can... already has.

"We know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." - John the Apostle

I have much to learn about how to be loved. Loved by God. Loved by people. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to get to know and love God. To know and love people. It is hard to get to know people who are not real. It is hard to be real. I am exhausted from constantly being who I am not. Sick of seeing fake in myself and in others. I want change. I want authenticity. I want real. I will do my best to be real. Honest. Authentic. To be vulnerable. I am going to fail, but I am going to try. I am ready to stop hiding. Ready to be me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Then maybe, just maybe, in my efforts to be real, I will inspire someone else to do the same.

In the end, when all is said and done, it may just work out. It did for Harold Crick.